


Arashi no Kuria

by Twyd



Series: Arashi Series [2]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Bad Advice, Established Relationship, Friendship, Homosexuality, Look At Your Life Look At Your Choices, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Past Relationship(s), Relationship Advice, Self-Esteem Issues, Sequel, Slash, Trust Issues, Undecided Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 11:21:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11035164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twyd/pseuds/Twyd
Summary: Sequel to FA, but can be read as a stand-alone.“I mean, it’s none of my business, but, I’m just saying - as your friend - maybe this thing with Izaya isn’t such a good idea.”





	Arashi no Kuria

It’s been almost a year since that night.

Shizuo only remembers because of the season, when he gets soaked on his way home, and realises he's only a block away from the old bar. He's more or less walked past it every night.

He jumps as lightning strikes over him out of nowhere. The rains are early this year. He shakes his head to forget about it, and hurries on home.

* * *

 

After he and Izaya woke that morning, the rain had dulled to a soft patter, but by the time they’d both showered and made coffee, the sky opened as if in fury, and Izaya had raised his eyebrows at Shizuo like he was trying not to laugh. He opened his mouth to make a joke, and Shizuo decided it was just easier to cut him off and drag him back to bed, leaving the coffee to turn cold.

* * *

 

Shizuo hadn't forgotten his meeting with his manager that day. He simply didn't turn up. By the time he'd received an offical letter dismissing him, he had already spoken to Tom. Izaya had been right. He doesn't want to think about barwork ever again. A new chapter of his life could begin now. He still abhorred violence and the kind of people he had to deal with, but at least now he has more security, a better contract, better pay. Finally, things were looking up.

In the midst of all this, he'd almost forgotten Izaya until he ran into him one night. It was almost the end of his shift, and he'd been chasing some idiot for Tom. He stopped to breathe when it became clear the man has made it. That's when Shizuo saw him. 

The informant stood there watching him, still as a snake, and Shizuo's first thought was that he must be waiting for him here on purpose – Ikebukuro is too big for coincidences - but Izaya just kept looking at him with a mix of uncertainty and hope, like he was debating whether to run himself. Sirens wailed behind them. 

Shizuo straightened then and crushed Izaya into the wall behind him, and they somehow made it somewhere secluded just before the rain came back.

* * *

 

“I’m starving,” Izaya complained. Shizuo looked at him, half dressed and exhausted in the city's lurid glow. He almost wanted him all over again, except he was quite hungry too. It was almost 3 in the morning now.

The rain quietened, so they stumbled through the streets to the warmth of a 24 hour dessert place.

It was here Shizuo had had the best chocolate pudding of his life. Izaya had had something lemony with chocolate so dark it was almost black, and had eaten it with his wet feet curled over Shizuo's shoes. Shizuo had been too out of it at the time to really care.

* * *

 

What starts as time-killing in the rain becomes time-killing after work, at the weekend, before meeting Kasuka, after seeing Celty at the park. It doesn’t leave much time for fighting, so this fades away with their bruises. Not that there is much to fight over now, as Izaya has less time and energy for his schemes. Shizuo doesn’t know what Izaya does when he’s not around, but it’s nothing that causes him any trouble.

So, in a way, not much changes. As soon as he’s free, instead of chasing and fighting Izaya, he fucks him. And the mindlessness of it, the force and the relief afterwards, is just the same.

Except of course for some practicalities: Izaya had taken to picking Shizuo’s lock when he arrives late, Shizuo had given up on trying to stop him, and Izaya would also, rather daringly, considering his reputation, leave his door on the latch and not properly closed when he knew Shizuo was coming late .

At first, especially when they start sleeping in each other’s apartments, Shizuo holds his breath around Izaya, expecting Izaya to use this new intimacy to his advantage, even if it's just for a barbed insult, but he never does.

Shizuo never really thinks about it. It is just his routine, simple and comforting; he will go and have sex with Izaya as soon as he’s finished work, as soon as he’s left Kasuka or Celty, and all his worries about hitting someone too hard and paying for his shitty apartment fade into the background until he has to leave again.

* * *

 

“You should really think about what you’re doing, you know.”

Shizuo looks at Tom in surprise.

He looks uncomfortable.

“I mean, it’s none of my business, but, I’m just saying - as your friend - maybe this thing with Izaya isn’t such a good idea.”

Shizuo shifts uncomfortably. He hadn’t told many people, expecting this kind of backlash, but he hadn't expected it from Tom.

“It’s been months already, it’s been fine,” he mutters. Nine months, to be precise. The better half of a year. They'd had a Christmas and a White Day, a New Year's and a birthday. Not that these had been significant. Just more sex and stupid excuses for gifts, like Russia sushi take-out and flavoured lube.

“That’s exactly my point,” Tom says now. “All that time you’re investing. Every night, every spare minute, for nothing. I mean, I think it’s fine to have that kind of relationship now and then, but not long term, you know?”

He pauses and bites his lip when Shizuo doesn't say anything.

“Look, it’s been going on for almost a year now,” he says, more gently. “It's _Izaya_. And even if it wasn’t Izaya, it’s not like you can marry and have kids with a guy. It’s not like it can go anywhere.”

Shizuo stares at his ice-cream, unable to finish the last two scoops.

“I’m just saying,” Tom continues, almost guiltily, as if he’s pulling Shizuo up on a delicate and embarrassing habit. “You deserve to be in a relationship that means something. You should have someone to go places with and introduce your family to.”

Shizuo says nothing.

“I know you’re nervous about hurting people, but you can’t just bury your head in the sand with sex when you could be building a life with someone. You can do so much better, Shizuo, you can. You deserve it. Something that's actually going somewhere.”

Shizuo opens his mouth to argue, but nothing comes out.

* * *

 

He can’t get it out of his head. Tom hadn’t been entirely accurate, but, what he'd said about the rest of his life scared him. Didn't he want to at least take a shot at thinking about a family one day, at having something real? He used to think he didn't deserve it, that he couldn't risk hurting anyone, but now he's not so sure. Maybe he really is just scared of having an actual relationship. Hurting someone.

But…is it really no more than sex with Izaya? Shizuo doesn't know. They slept and ate together, sometimes, but Shizuo doesn’t tell him things. They pick up on each other's bad moods and back off accordingly. Izaya had got him a mini chocolate lamp-post for his birthday, Shizuo had no idea how or where from, but he hadn't actually spent the day with him. He doesn't know. He can't imagine doing more with Izaya beyond sleeping with him, let alone trusting him. 

And yet, he misses Izaya when he doesn’t see him. Even if it’s never for very long.

Maybe he is just lonely. Maybe Tom had been right, and he shouldn't be spending every waking minute with the informant. 

He doesn’t go to Izaya’s that night. He doesn’t go the next night either, doesn’t call, and gets a joking accusatory text from Izaya that he doesn’t love him any more.

He feels guilty reading it, when it's clear Izaya doesn't think anything is wrong. But Shizuo brushes it off. They're not in a relationship, Izaya won't feel more than a flicker of irritation that _he_ hadn't been the one to end it. 

Shizuo texts him back with a flimsy excuse, and doesn’t offer to see him again.

* * *

 

More days pass. He feels guilty, miserable, for it, but he can’t shake what Tom said. Now he has a half decent job, now he’s getting closer to his friends and has reasonable stability in his life, it really is time to think about what he's doing. 

Izaya leaves it for almost a week, until he lets himself into Shizuo’s apartment one night without warning.

Shizuo’s stomach knots up, partly because he dreads what’s coming, but partly because he’s missed Izaya so much that it hurts, it hurts to even look at him, and it makes him second guess everything all over again, because surely nothing so meaningless should hurt this much?

Izaya however looks bored, his eyes narrowed and hard.

“I was in the neighbourhood,” he drawls. “Thought I’d drop by.”

He stays where he is in the hall and doesn’t come near Shizuo.

Shizuo’s still figuring out what to say in response when Izaya rolls his eyes, clearly reading it in his face.

“But you know what, I’ve just remembered there’s something I have to do.”

He walks out before Shizuo can stop him, before he's even been there a minute, and Shizuo’s left with his stomach crushing with pain and relief.

* * *

 

Shizuo agrees, after some persuasion, to go on a date with Tom's second cousin, Mari. Mari's lovely. She’s so kind and gentle and understanding that she makes him nervous. She shares his sweet tooth, so they spend their dates in one dessert shop after another, taking their treats to the park when it's nice, cuddling under a blanket at home when it isn't. He doesn't take her to the place he and Izaya had eaten in, rain-wet and glowy with sex. He doesn't want to think about that.

As they spend more time together, he waits to feel more. At first he thinks it’s just nerves, because he doesn’t know her very well, and because he’s paranoid about her being afraid of him, but even by the time they’re making love, he still feels nothing but an easy kind of indifference. He looks at her when she's sleeping or watching TV, and wonders what it will take for him to wake up.

 _Maybe it has to be men, maybe that's who I am_ , he thinks, with some unease, remembering Tom's words, but he dismisses this. He has plenty in common with Mari, and so he keeps trying.

He doesn’t see or hear of Izaya once in this time.

* * *

The indifference can't last. It turns into a restlessness that somehow makes him even more lonely than he'd felt in the first place.

He goes to Celty when he gets this desperate. He doesn’t think he can stay with this girl - although he can think of no reason for not being happy, so surely he'd be making a mistake? He should feel like the luckiest man alive.

Celty listens to him.

It takes her a long time to start typing.

_-I don’t understand._

It takes her another moment to elaborate.

_-Why did Tom get to you so much? It's up to you who you spend time with, and if it's that much time, if it's that...necessary, then surely it’s more than sex?_

Shizuo shifts uncomfortably.

“We don’t - we didn't go anywhere together, we didn’t see each other’s friends and family, we didn’t talk about stuff. I don't even know why I saw him so much. I just didn’t want to be in the same position 10 years down the line. I want more.”

_-And you couldn't have that because he’s not a girl?_

“Well - come on. You were the first to be disgusted when you found out we were fooling around.”

_-A little, at first. But I got used to it. I was more concerned about him hurting you._

She pauses.

_-But  then that clearly didn't happen. So, I just don’t get it. You could have all those things with Izaya if you really wanted to. Japan is much less conservative nowadays. Do you really care what other people think that much?_

“I don’t know if it’s the way _he_ thinks,” Shizuo growls. “I don't know what he wants. I get a little scared of him sometimes, to be honest.”

_-He probably gets scared of you. You have to talk to him._

Shizuo doesn’t say anything.

_-Did you fight much?  
_

Shizuo can’t answer her. He honestly can’t remember the last time they fought. The closest they got was when Shizuo was in a bad mood, and Izaya was being too…Izaya-ish, and even that had defused into sex, Izaya's forehead against his own as he laughed, the lamp turned so dim it was almost like candles.

_-How did he take it?_

Shizuo blinks at her, drawn back into the present.

He doesn’t really know how Izaya had taken it, either. He’d held his breath for weeks, expecting Izaya to pull some stunt, whether it be through work or his apartment or, God forbid, Mari, but the informant hadn’t done a thing.

“I just – I just wanted to do things better,” Shizuo mumbles, ignoring the screen's question pointed at him. “I’ve always felt like I just fuck things up, like I'm a liability to everyone. And now I have a better job, I have good friends, it kind of - it made sense. I don’t trust Izaya. I don’t know what he’s thinking, if he even likes me. It felt like the right thing to do.”

Celty doesn't say anything for a while.

 _-Well, it's up to you now,_ she types eventually. _-You need to do what makes you happy._

* * *

 

He leaves Mari. He doesn’t feel good about it, but, he feels even worse about why he's with her in the first place.

Tom is flummoxed.

“But she's so good for you, and you have so much in common!”

He takes no notice. It’s his own fault, not Tom’s, but part of him resents the other man even so. He can't help it. He hopes it doesn’t show.

Not that it matters. He has someone more important to worry about.

Izaya.

At least he doesn’t have to pretend he’s not missing the fleabag anymore; he can finally go and _do_ something about it.

He shows up at Izaya’s the minute his shift is over. He’s not too phased when no-one answers the door, knowing the secretary will have gone home by now, and that Izaya simply doesn’t answer the door when he didn’t feel like it, which was often. So Shizuo keeps knocking.

It probably isn’t wise to wind Izaya up before the kind of conversation Shizuo wants to have, like continuous door-knocking surely will, but he can’t help it; he can’t go another minute like this. He wants to reverse the damage he’s done as soon as possible.

Izaya eventually yanks back the door with a scowl, and it’s such a relief to see him, to actually be in the same space as him, that Shizuo almost forgets why he’s here.

“What do you want?” Izaya snaps, forcing him back to reality.

“I – can I come in?”

“No.”

“Just for a minute? I need to talk to you. I’m really sorr- “

“Oh, no.” Izaya takes a deliberate step backwards, as if to distance himself from Shizuo's words. “Oh no, we are not going there. You’re pathetic, Shizu-chan.”

“Izaya- “

“Get out of here, or I’ll make your life hell. I mean it. I’ve been holding back as a courtesy, but I could easily get you fired. There are plenty of things I could do.”

He holds Shizuo’s eye as he says it, and Shizuo knows he means it.

“Fine,” Shizuo says. “Do it. I deserve it all. But I’m still not backing off.”

Izaya’s eyes narrow.

“You think I’m bluffing.”

“No. I don’t.”

Izaya tries to shut the door, but Shizuo sticks his foot in the way, unable to leave things at that.

Izaya lets the door back so suddenly then that he almost falls over.

“Fine, come in, do what you want, get your way by force like you always do.”

He goes over to his desk and starts throwing his things into a bag. Shizuo's never seen him so mad, and wisely decides to him his distance.

“I really miss you, Izaya.”

He says it quietly, but he can tell by the hitch in Izaya’s shoulders that he heard.

“I’ve been so stupid. Tom said something that really got to me, and I got freaked out. He was saying- “

“I know what he was saying.” Izaya cuts him off. “At least, I can imagine. I’ve had someone saying the same things to me for the past 6 months. But, I don’t listen to people when they give me their opinions on my life.”

Shizuo stares at him in surprise. Who, he wonders. Shinra? Simon? One of his Yakuza buddies?

“Who?”

“That’s none of your business.”

Something occurs to him as he considers this.

“You’re not – seeing someone else, are you?”

“I was never seeing _you_ , Shizu-chan,” he retorts, still moving around his desk, looking for something. “And that’s none of your business either.”

Shizuo stands there taking this in.

“Let me guess,” Izaya says now, closing the laptop lid with unnecessary force. “You went on a few dates, it’s gone wrong and you’re thinking, what’s the point, why bother, I’m just a monster who hurts people so I might as well just start having brainless sex again and that way no-one’ll get hurt. Right?”

“No,” Shizuo says. 

Izaya’s not listening. He’s lifting things up on his desk, still looking for whatever it is he's lost. 

“I made a mistake,” Shizuo says.

“I don’t care.”

“Can’t you at least think about it?”

“There’s nothing to think about!” He throws a folder down in exasperation, sending a flutter over everything else. “It’s not worth it, Shizuo. And I bet Tom-san had some perfectly valid points, that you’re conveniently forgetting right now.”

“Then why didn’t those things bother you?”

“Because I knew this was coming,” he snaps. “Even without Tom’s help, sooner or later I knew you’d realise your life was going nowhere and you’d want to do something about it. And that you wouldn’t want to do it with me.”

He finally snatches up a curled up wire from under his chair, and throws that into his bag as well.

“I need to go to my other apartment. If you’re still here in the morning, I’m going to brain you with the first thing I can find.”

* * *

 

Shizuo doesn’t mean to fall asleep. He really doesn't. He’s already pushed Izaya’s buttons enough, and he wants to respect his space.

He thinks about Izaya's other apartment, where it is, what he has there, what he does there. Maybe he keeps books and records and childhood memorabilia there, and goes just to relax. Maybe it is somewhere quiet and nondescript, with a garden and a family next door, worlds away from the likes of Shinjuku and Ikeburo.

Thinking this, Shizuo sits at the table just to clear his head, but he can already feel his head drooping on his arms.

The next thing he knows, it is the purple-dark of the early hours, and Izaya is scowling over him, looking like he hasn't slept.

“Didn’t you hear me?”

“It’s technically not morning,” Shizuo mumbles.

“It’s _technically_ after midnight.”

Shizuo shrugs.

“There’s a lamp behind you.”

He doesn't care. Izaya can take a swing at him if it'll make him feel better.

Izaya bristles, like he’s actually tempted, but backs off with a scowl.

“As if I’d go to jail for something so stupid. I could have someone off you for less than your month's rent.”

He goes into the kitchen and gets a glass of water. Shizuo watches him drink it. It is impossible to tell if he is hurt, or pretending to be hurt, or just annoyed. 

“Why are you doing this?” Izaya says now. To Shizuo's surprise, he comes back to the table with his glass and drops into the seat opposite. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting better. There are plenty of women- “

“I don’t want women.”

“Men, then."

“I don’t want anyone else,” he growls. “Don’t you get it? There’s no ‘better’ - what are you saying that for? I spent every minute I could with you, Izaya. I can’t believe I listened to anyone else, it’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. It was more than better.”

Izaya had started to squirm, looking uncomfortable, but his eyes narrow now.

“But it wasn’t enough, clearly.”

“Izaya,” he says, not wanting him to stalk off again. “Don’t you miss me a little?”

Izaya just looks at him like he’s the stupidest person alive. Shizuo doesn’t know if it’s because it’s an over or an understatement.

“Don’t you?”

He tries to take hold of Izaya’s hand, but he moves it back.

“Touch me and you’ll lose your fingers.” He glances over Shizuo's head at the clock. "You have to go. My sisters are coming over today, and I'll kill myself if I have to deal with the three of you."

* * *

 

Shizuo goes to the park to report back to Celty, feeling miserable. Waiting for her there, it is only now that he's realised how he feels, now that he's faced with the possibility of losing it. He is such a fucking idiot.

Things weren't much better with Tom, either. The tension of it all is putting Shizuo on edge, making him lose his temper almost as badly as he used to, and he needs to know someone has his back in his job, needs a friend at his side. Surely he's not going to mess this up too, like the barwork?

“What’s the matter with you?” 

Shizuo's head snaps up. Izaya's face and tone are full of contempt, but he has approached Shizuo of his own accord, so surely this is something.

"Nothing," he says stupidly, not wanting to admit he's having anger issues again. Not that they ever fully left.

Izaya just looks at him.

"I'm worried about my job.”

“Why?”

“I’m – I’m not getting on with Tom too well.”

“Over this?” Izaya snorts. “Don’t be ridiculous. Just talk to him.”

"I don't know if I should. I don't want to make things worse."

“It’ll be better than bottling it up until you bring down a building, or something. He’s your friend.” Izaya shakes his head. "You make some pretty poor decisions, Shizu-chan. Don't make this another one."

Shizuo has a little jolt of hope then, when he realises that they are almost - having a conversation.

“Are you talking to me again?”

“You don't give an inch, do you?"

He rolls his eyes and leaves him there.

* * *

 

 

Shizuo talks to Tom. It is the least he can do, while Izaya is still being distant. They go for ice-cream, and they talk about Mari, about Izaya, about clients, and it's almost normal again.

"I feel so bad," Tom says, shaking his head. "Fucking hell. I am never giving anyone advice again."

"It's OK," Shizuo says. "I mean, I know how Izaya looks from the outside. I know it might have not looked good. It was my fault. I shouldn't have been so fucking stupid."

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Tom says. "It's hard to know what you want sometimes."

Shizuo nods. At least this had cleared that for him. He wants Izaya. He wants him as much as he can want anything. He needs to do something, something important. A gesture, buying him something, or a vacation, a weekend somewhere. Something that has meaning and will make him happy.

Izaya would of course continue to snarl at him and keep his distance for weeks, but that’s fine. Shizuo will give it as much time as it needs.

* * *

 

It's raining the next time he goes over. It's quite appropriate, and hopefully means that Izaya won't have the heart to turn him back out and that he can stay. He is knocking on constant again when Izaya wrenches the door back.

"Now what?"

“I miss you.”

"Still? Oh, you'll get over it."

"Can I come in?"

"You're all wet."

"It's raining. It's the rainy season."

"Oh, is it almost our anniversary? How sweet."

He attempts to slam the door in Shizuo's face, but Shizuo launches his shoulder against it just in time.

"Izaya, please. I've got you something."

"...what do you mean?"

"I've got you a gift."

"I don't want a fucking gift."

"Let me in anyway."

"Shizuo," he complains, and Shizuo can feel him shouldering the door from the other side. "Come on. Leave me alone."

"I _miss_ you," he says again. "And don't fucking joke about it because I do."

"I don't _care_ , it doesn't matter. I don't know why you keep saying you're sorry. You haven't done anything. I'm just not interested in picking it up again."

Shizuo knows then by the viciousness in his tone that he's lying. He tries a different tack.

"How've you been?"

"What?"

"How've you been?" he persists.

"Oh, fine. You needn't worry, Shizu-chan, I haven't slit my wrists over you."

"I know that. I just haven't seen you around for a while. What've you been doing?"

"I've been _working_. I spent far too much time screwing around with you, so I was trying to get more things done. Plus I've been in Russia."

" _Have_ you?"

He pushes a little harder against the door by accident, but Izaya still doesn't budge. He's a little put out that something so important has happened in the space of a month.

"Don't sound so surprised," Izaya huffs. "10% of my clients are Russian, and I have a multiple entry visa."

"I know, but, you never actually go. I mean, hardly ever. How come you went with such short notice? How was it?"

"It was fine," he growls. "And it wasn't short notice, I just didn't tell you. I don't tell you everything."

This is also a lie, he's sure, but he doesn't object.

"I'm sitting on the floor," Izaya warns then, and Shizuo feels him slide down the other side of the door, still leaning against it hard. "So don't kick your way in."

"I won't."

Shizuo also slides to sit on the carpet. His shoulder aches from straining against the wood, as Izaya's must be, the gap between them unmoving.

"Can I come in soon?" he says.

"You can't come in at all, protozoan, ever."

"Why? If you really don't care, and it's not a big deal, why can't you see me for five minutes?"

"Why should I have to?" he snaps, and Shizuo can feel him pushing harder to close the door.

"Because, I'm not going back out in the rain, and it'll be less stupid than this. Just let me in."

" _No_."

"Why?"

"Because," he finally snaps, and for a moment the door almost does close, until Shizuo pushes it back. "It _did_ hurt, all right? You fucking hurt me."

Despite how awful it is to hear it out loud, it brings relief with it, like pulling out a knife.

"Finally," he sighs. "You should have just said that, Izaya. You can say more, say whatever you want."

He waits, but Izaya says nothing. Shizuo feels him shift on the other side. They go a long time without saying anything, both leaning into the door, when Shizuo moves back.

There's a little bump, followed by swearing, as if Izaya's hit his head.

"You could have warned me, you prick," he complains, his voice muffled now.

Shizuo doesn't say anything.

"...are you still there?" Izaya calls after a moment. Shizuo can tell from his voice that he's still sitting on the floor.

He puts his hand on the door hopefully.

"Can I come in?"

"No. Yes. No. No."

Another silence falls.

"...are you going to sit there all night?"

"No," Shizuo says, although the idea of it is almost soothing. "I'll go soon," he says, when it's clear Izaya is waiting for clarification.

"Good."

Shizuo hears him getting up on the other side. Then he tuts and opens it without warning, suddenly enough for Shizuo to fall on to his back.

"You can come in for a bit," he says unnecessarily, stepping over him, and he leaves him there without offering to help him up.

Shizuo struggles to his feet, almost boneless with relief.

"Thank you."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Jesus Christ, this turned out so romantic, haha. I'm not good at that, so I hope it came off all right.


End file.
